The husbandish and I frequently find occasion to reference the following allegorical question:
Stranded in the desert for days, alone and without supplies, hungry and dehydrated, all men will fall... what is the difference between those who emerge from the desert and those who die?
The ones who emerge from the desert stood up.
I typically count myself as someone with the will to stand up... but lately the sand beneath my feet really seems like a great place to just lay down and take a nap. I'm just So. Fucking. Mentally. Tired.
I'm tired of Fibromyalgia. I'm tired of waking up in pain every damn day knowing I'm bloody well going to be in pain straight through to lying down to sleep at night and I'm tired of knowing that it's most likely downhill from here.
I'm tired of Scleritis. I'm tired of the shifting of focus or the slightest change in lighting hitting my left eye like a spiked sledgehammer. I'm tired of looking like I've lost a fight and I'm tired of assuring people I'm not contageous. TWO FUCKING YEARS I've been dealing with this.
I'm tired of lying in bed for hours every damn night wishing I could go to sleep and I'm tired of witnessing the husbandish fall into a deep and peaceful slumber within five minutes of his head hitting the pillow.
I'm tired of adults with imaginary friends. I'm tired of gullibility. I'm tired of willful ignorance. I'm tired of intellectual dishonesty and I'm tired of intellectual laziness. I'm tired of rhetoric and sound bites and cultural adolescence.
I'm tired of being capable, responsible, reasonable, intelligent, rational, and nice. I'm really tired of being nice.
I'm not just tired of struggling... I'm tired of trying.
Now, let's be clear - I know this is a temporary state with clear causes (mainly shitty health and a number of life changes that managed to converge within a short time-span), so I'm hardly hinging on the verge of a major breakdown. My resources are simply being drained faster than they can be recharged... but I'm just not sure how to throw it into reverse. I do know, however, that I'm not at my most dependable right now and consistently apologizing for that is on the draining side of the equation. I can't afford feelings of failure right now.
For those currently waiting on me for any number of reasons, unless you've already received an uncharacteristically blunt message from me to the contrary, you're not waiting in vain. I have already boiled the fatty leavings off my To Do list to reveal the skeleton of a unified future within and whatever it is you're waiting for is part of that future.
If you have received an uncharacteristically blunt message from me, whatever you were waiting on me for isn't part of that skeleton nor the creature that will be built on top of it. I'm sorry. This is a case-closed situation.
If you've been intending to ask for my participation but haven't yet, please know that it doesn't hurt to ask. I am, after all, a human being and it feels good to know that people want me to participate. I have a very clear set of criteria in place that will determine whether or not I agree, so there's no need to worry that I'll feel pressured into taking on more than I can handle. Academia (especially the areas of Evolutionary Biology and Astrobiology), Skepticism, general science accessibility, and writing will take precedence over other areas of interest.
Thanks in advance for understanding.
- T
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